So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
