She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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