You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
