If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
