On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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