why didn't you poke me back
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
