Kiss
Puke
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Randomize
