I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
