I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
