My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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