When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
