Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
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