You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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