did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
God, I missed his penis.
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