I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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