I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
