There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
