I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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