You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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