it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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