lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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