Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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