I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
