So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
