I faked an abortion last night.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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