Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Randomize
