Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
