Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
