the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
