3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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