I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize