i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
