He disabled his match.com account in front of me
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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