It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
