I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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