My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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