Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Randomize
