Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
