kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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