I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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