Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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