I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
