did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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