the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
