i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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