Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
