I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
please come you make the beer taste better
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
