I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
