The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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