I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
It was confusing and full of hummus
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
