Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
