his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
