put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
