when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
