i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
YAS. BRING CRAB.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
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