Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
