He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
We need to get me chipped asap
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
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