I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
