i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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