I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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