yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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