i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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