evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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