Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
