Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
