Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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