I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
