life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
