She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Randomize
