Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize