What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize