I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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